Elusive Simple Gifts
There are days when I fantasize about having free time the way a person dying of dehydration must fantasize about water. Those days are frequent. But there are also days when I think I have it together pretty well, even though I know things below the surface, or in my laundry room, or desk, or bills pile are about to explode. Occasionally there are times like tonight when Jon is halfway around the world and the house is quiet, kitchen is clean, lunches are made for tomorrow and I look around content. While there are things to do, nothing seems urgent, but then I find something un-done that's been un-done for a long time, like the photos I still haven't finished pasting into my wedding album, and I realize it's all a ruse. Even when I feel I have everything all together, I don't. Having it together seems unattainable.
Many of my friends are moms who don't work. Conversely, few of my friends are working mothers. Most of my working mother friends have older children, children in school, children with different demands; in some ways I feel in a category all alone. We shouldn't -- I shouldn't -- compare myself with others, but who can't look at a friend's weed-free garden full of lovely and large tomatoes without envy, only to realize that the tomato plants are tended by a stay-at-home mom whose children are in preschool two full days a week. It's hard to talk to another gymnastics mom who regularly bakes with her daughter and not feel like I don't engage my kids with process activities enough. Either I need to adjust my outlook and expectations, quit my job, or get new friends. Instead I seem to push myself harder. Last week -- my girls' birthday week -- I was so jittery with everything I had going on that I had trouble sleeping. The feeling reminded me of grad school. Is that messed up or what?
An old friend from Minneapolis commented on my Facebook page the other day telling me I am an amazing mom. She is a pretty amazing mom herself, also a mother of twins, and back when we saw each other frequently she often told me she thought I was an amazing mom. I think I'm a pretty good mom, but whatever it was, my friend claimed to be impressed with the way I handled it -- potty training was a particular highlight, but there were other examples, too. Though I'm often dismissive in the face of a compliment, I grew to believe she was sincere, and found that her confidence in me was itself confidence-building. It still is a boost even though we live in different time zones now. I wish we were in closer contact, and not just for the compliments.
I'm looking for the way to be happy with what I can do, to really be at peace with the parameters I can maintain. It's letting go a little bit, accepting a certain level of [fill in the blank] that I would rather have another way. It's also about setting things up for success: good bones, like a well-organized closet or fewer magazine subscriptions to pile up. Some see it as a spiritual quest -- we Quakers, after all, sing about the Gift To Be Simple. It's about priorities (family, the girls) and it's about boundaries, saying no, knowing what's important. It's an age-old struggle, one many women and mothers face.
Tonight I'm feeling like finding this balance is of the utmost importance. I feel I've been out of whack lately and I don't like that. I'm trying to focus on the important things, but it's hard because I don't want to let go of anything.
Many of my friends are moms who don't work. Conversely, few of my friends are working mothers. Most of my working mother friends have older children, children in school, children with different demands; in some ways I feel in a category all alone. We shouldn't -- I shouldn't -- compare myself with others, but who can't look at a friend's weed-free garden full of lovely and large tomatoes without envy, only to realize that the tomato plants are tended by a stay-at-home mom whose children are in preschool two full days a week. It's hard to talk to another gymnastics mom who regularly bakes with her daughter and not feel like I don't engage my kids with process activities enough. Either I need to adjust my outlook and expectations, quit my job, or get new friends. Instead I seem to push myself harder. Last week -- my girls' birthday week -- I was so jittery with everything I had going on that I had trouble sleeping. The feeling reminded me of grad school. Is that messed up or what?
An old friend from Minneapolis commented on my Facebook page the other day telling me I am an amazing mom. She is a pretty amazing mom herself, also a mother of twins, and back when we saw each other frequently she often told me she thought I was an amazing mom. I think I'm a pretty good mom, but whatever it was, my friend claimed to be impressed with the way I handled it -- potty training was a particular highlight, but there were other examples, too. Though I'm often dismissive in the face of a compliment, I grew to believe she was sincere, and found that her confidence in me was itself confidence-building. It still is a boost even though we live in different time zones now. I wish we were in closer contact, and not just for the compliments.
I'm looking for the way to be happy with what I can do, to really be at peace with the parameters I can maintain. It's letting go a little bit, accepting a certain level of [fill in the blank] that I would rather have another way. It's also about setting things up for success: good bones, like a well-organized closet or fewer magazine subscriptions to pile up. Some see it as a spiritual quest -- we Quakers, after all, sing about the Gift To Be Simple. It's about priorities (family, the girls) and it's about boundaries, saying no, knowing what's important. It's an age-old struggle, one many women and mothers face.
Tonight I'm feeling like finding this balance is of the utmost importance. I feel I've been out of whack lately and I don't like that. I'm trying to focus on the important things, but it's hard because I don't want to let go of anything.
Comments
And you are an amazing mom, of course!
Happy Birthday M and O by the way!!!